i think, that there are many kinds of agony in this world. death, the feeling that someone has left you for good, forever. heartbreak, the feeling that someone can be standing right in front of you, yet he's no longer the person you once knew and love. hunger, the rumbling feeling inside which you'd do anyting to get rid of. emptiness, having nothing wrong in ur life, yet having nothing right.

and the one agony which i think you'll be super duper lucky not to have, the one which you'll nv know how bad it feels unless u experience it urself.. When ur parents are fighting.

it's ok. it's common. it's not life threatening. i can deal with this. but i really, really, really dont need this now. not when i'm just so confused and i feel like i'm crumbling inside. not when i cant deal with my own emotions and reality. im sick and tired of feeling like im a pile of shit. i want to come home and be able to snuggle in my family's usual warmth and feel safe.

im positively calmer now. but no matter how i look at it, my life still feels like shit. s.h.i.t. and no, im not the type of girl who likes to say shit. i hate shit. which is another way of saying i hate myself.

it's been a lousy christmas. this year, i so got into the festive mood. there was attachment, n all the fun attachment brought. the christmas parties. the friendships. helping the elderlies and watching them smile. watching their face lit up as we gave presents sang carols and do christmassy things.. but no matter wad, christmas nv failed to be shit for me. year after year after year.

go to sleep, woman. im sorry.

i'm in the heck-this-blog kinda mood again. lol. i think every blogger goes through this phase.. the i-want-to-delete-my-blog-and-every-stupid-word-i've-ever-written phase. but i shall not!


=/ i shld blog abt my hongkong trip. spam my 1000 pictures. (mind you i have around 100 shots of pandas. 100 shots of the disney christmas parade & 100 of the ocean park fishy things... all thanks to my super enthu daddy -.- ) yes i should. but not now.

becos now. i dnknw why. but the air around me feels different. it feels like i need to make an effort to keep myself breathing. becos im so darn worried. i havent been sleeping well. havent been eating well. i wanted to gain at least 4kg in hongkong. but i came back to sing to find out i've lost another.

funny how my mum thinks the way to get me to eat more is to pile up a huge mountain of rice in my bowl. it just makes me feel like vomitting. WHO EATS A MOUNTAIN? ppl eat nice little piles of rice, mum. not mountains.

rah whatever.


so this is how it feels like. not knowing what to feel.

*if your heart is in your dream.. no request is too extreme..*
i hope so.

.. so admist my busy life i found myself sitting in the dental chair again. & everytime i think there's just no possible way my braces can get any tighter, dr boey will just pull out some new stuff and make it tighter. first it was stupid contracting wires, then now it's twelve chained link rubberbands. ew.. okay only the braces community will knw wad im talking abt but still- who think of all these stuff? once the teeth is straight (which mine is abt 9mths ago) we shld jus get the braces out. =D and then i can eat corn without fear of it being stuck hahahaha. -_-

and then i found myself going to the other end of singapore, this ulu camp on diaryfarm road, CHOA CHU KANG (god knws i've never stepped anywhere near there before).. camping. let's see. i've been to about 20+ camps before, and everytime before i go i wonder why i signed up for it. lol. well. im just really not a sleeping-bag person i guess. hahaha. i HATE sleeping bags. who created the idea of humans sleeping in bags anyway. humans sleep on BED.. but oh well. if not for sleeping bags i'd probably sleep on the floor, so i jus quit complaining. but as alws i feel like my bones were breaking the nxt morning.

okay i digressed. where was i? oh yea the camp. it was a Youth Volunteer camp, and the whole objective of the camp is to get ready for the attachment programme helping out at some elderly home. i think i signed up for it in a moment of folly hahaha. but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise. wad really impressed me was that the people there all sort of all signed up from their own free will... so thus, everyone was really enthu & high & really volunteers for things. i also really learnt alot, like how to handle wheelchairs & autistic children.

i love my group. i was comfortable with them, and they were so enthu & nice to niao ahaha. there were the usual camp games, all the water/dirt/teambuilding games. but wad i really liked was that everyone was sporting and we bonded as a group bah. sounds cliche, but it's really not easy to bond with strangers yet they made it easier by being so open and sharing things. =) i'm just sorry i could only go for such a short time.

all in all it was a great experience. there was also the disability lunch, where we were blindfolded and expected to eat lunch, like OMG lah HOWWW DO U EAT A FREAKING CHICKEN WING ha. and the YV song with sign language that i'll nv forget. oh & my cute angel haha.

*we come from different places, hail from different paths
we wear our different faces, but we're joined at our hears*

for this how we sing our song sing it bright & sing it strong
for though we're young we stand up tallheart to heart we'll nv fall.

=D

then i found myself at guitar concert with the guitar ppl & yun. the music was beautiful, but it made us sleepy. hahaha. even our instructor had tears in his eyes (i'm willing to bet my life it's from yawning more than being touched) and me & yun basically tried to whisper to eachother and try not to get glared at. hahaha. after that we went for supper and we talked all the way. i love how 2hrs of talking to that girl feels like 2 minutes. =)

remember. remember. remember. life goes on.

i used to like this line alot.. "life can be summed up in three words. it goes on."

but now. i just don't know if it's true. i don't know if it can go on. correction, if i can go on..

oh ye of little faith.

day after day i've prayed, with no proof anyone could hear. prayed with every single ounce of faith i have left in me. prayed for the miracle that never happened. prayed that there'll be a reason why things happen. faith; faith is believing without seeing.. but may i ask, what's there to believe, when there's nothing to hope?

i dont know what im talking abt exactly. except that things havent been going well at all these few days. to the problems without solutions, questions without answers... what's left to be done? i nvr realised that the hardest thing in life is accepting the things that you cannot change.

i cant seem to stop reading these days, from spine-chilling thrillers to *LaughOutLoud* screwed-up-life comedies to *sobsob* normal-average-melodrama-complicated-love-stories... =) i really salute every writer in the world... i love the way i can know someone else's story, even if it's just fiction. & there's the serial dramas too! people keep telling me i shld read non-fiction instead. but i cant help choosing fantasy over reality.. there were the movies too. i tink im crazy 4 movies in 1.5wks. hero. stardust. gameplan. & enchanted!! =) it's hard to believe there ARE happily-ever-afters now but it is nice fantasizing isnt it. lol.

but most of all it's just been work & more work. i'm finally taking a break tmr though. going to camp =) with jing&lyon.. rly hope there'll be time to chat. and also guitar concert with yun l8! then it'll be hongkonggg!! =D

ciao.

i find it amazing that it's been 4yrs & you've never seen me cry. & i tink in these 4yrs i've cried more than my whole first 12yrs of life. you've accompanied me through the saddest days in my life & yet you've never let me cry. alws using your own crazy means to tell me somehow it'll be fine. & it alws is. i wish i could believe you one more time that it'll be fine. darling, i wish i could too.