eds dance '07.

& of course.. there were all shopping trips after school, usually after sad days where i rly need a break..! =(



i shall get rich and buy my children addidas shoes!

i LIKE this pic okay. :P

and there were days where we simply throw aside everyting for the sake of.. MAHJONG!!

the mahjong legend.

presenting.. WAWA and cynthia aw. (she'd rather burn her brother than the toy in her hand) AND. she puts it in a plastic bag with holes, so that wawa can breathe. haiis.. wad can i say except.. i finally found my soulmate!! i'd rather burn uh, you! than my squishie.. =)

happy sweet sixteen, my qinjia!! it's a blessing to have known you. your frank and honest advice are the best thing to hear.. love all the times, love you! stay close alws, okay.

and i simply love it when we get together... it's funny how we can get so high alws over a game! with u all, im never afraid to show my anger or sadness when i lose, and that means.. alot...

hmm. there was also the midsummer night's dream performance, where we sat on the grass and watched a very very good drama.. totally forgot that i signed up for this performance..! me, yuru, chenying, jo, siuling, meiyun n guppy were like rushing like hell from school there.. haha. reached home at midnight. =/

today went to sing k! love it.

warning. i've got alot to say. when i mean alot, i mean ALOT. wordyness coming!

****

it's sad. these marks mean so much to me now, it's scary. and very very sad. becos it means so much, it disappoints. it has the power to cause emotions, not just me but everyone ard me. i hate it. i hate to say these words, but i've changed. i've became another one of those people i've alws frowned upon. those people who cares about every single mark. who gets upset over a low grade, who calculates everyting, who cares about what others around her get.. what caused this change? did i get influenced? or is it just the competitive nature in me?

maybe.. it's cos i've never wanted to do well all my life. i've never had any stress. never had any pressure. i'm afterall just a very common girl from a very average family.. im not like those around me now, im not the son of a reknowned business man who'll inherit a multi-billion company. im not the daughter of an influential man. i din come from a family of top lawyers or doctors. my aim in life is just to be a happy woman with a good husband and a family..

my daddy never did care about my studies. i'd even tell him "daddy i failed my maths! i got last in class" (i did not) hoping he'll scold me or sth, but all he'd do is to make a joke out of it. thus im not exactly a motivated person. but somewhere along the line, everyting changed.. pherhaps it was the people i met, pherhaps it was that i've finally realised the importance of money.. but i soon learned that yeah, one cant live on love and bread.. it sounds crude, but money is most times the best solution.

i want to be someone rich and influential when i grow up.. i became someone with an ambition. i told my sister i wanted to be a doctor. and sometime this month, my dad came to me and said.. "if you wanna be a doctor, then i'll make you a doctor. if your results aint good enough, i'll send you overseas. just try ur best." it made me tear.. it made me so happy. i've rly got the best parents on earth. but at the same time i was determined not to count on them, i wanna chase my dream myself.

so, i became super motivated, and im happy to say i've improved. almost everyting jumped a grade... yet i've been trying so hard, so hard im losing myself. im becoming someone different, someone competitive, someone i dislike.. my pirorities have changed. and while i guess this is the "right" pirorities, with studies first and everyting and everyone second, it just doesnt feel like me. everyday it's studying for the next test, even a phone call every night just seems so so hard. den one day, a fren of mine told me.. "i'll nv marry a doctor". it stunned me. "i already have a doctor-to-be bf/gf that doesnt have enough time for me, how can i marry a doctor!" ... it made me wonder.. what if i spend another ten yrs of my life mugging away, missing out on everyting. when i finally make it to the top as a doctor, i just get a broken family n all the problems?

which is better? being ordinary and happy? or being someone influential and missing out all the fun?

i dnknw. i guess u jus gotta balance it all out bah.

i've never had sth i wanted and couldnt get. i guess maybe im lucky, or maybe it's cos i believe that the if you want sth really badly, you will get it. cos if you have the HUNGER to succeed, you'll have the drive. you'll bring out a side of you you dun normally show, you'll bring out the best in you.. but recently, there's been sth i want so badly. normally, i knw i can rely on my parents or others to get for me sth i rly wanted, but this time round, it's something that only I can get for myself. im willing to work for it, but recently, i've been wondering. what if my best just isnt good enough.. what if no matter how hard i try, i just have a limit to my abilities, a limit to what i could do? i know MY best isnt THE best.. there'll alws be someone better. so what now? do i just accept it? accept that i can never be that good?

to me, it's my only chance. my only opportunity. it feels like im surrounded by four walls now. somedays im happy, and somedays i just cant breathe in it. i have everyting i ever need in here.. im living on perfectly well. but at the same time, i knw there's a whole world outside these walls, and yet im trapped here. how can i not feel like breaking out? i do not know what lies there, it might even be hell.. but what bothers me, is not knowing. and so, i will try. yet.. these walls here, are they here to trap me, or to protect me? if i do succeed in breaking these walls, will i hate what i see and feel like building them back?

doubt anyone knows what im talking abt, but there are a special few who uds & feels the same way too, and that's enough. =)

uhh.. come mon, i'll be leaving for malaysia. last year, we had this:

taken at the top of mt kinabaru (or sth).

this year, what will we have?

im crazy. suddenly feel like blogging jiu blog so much.. haha.

and now i feel like sleeping. -.- wad a good ending right.